Vandal Birds of Spring

Never in all my years have I been “bombed” by a bird. Call it luck, call it skill, but I have managed to dodge the liquid missiles all my life. That is until this week.

6:00 am on Sunday morning – Loud banging on multiple windows of our house. At first I thouBird poopght the neighborhood “little rascals” were chunking rocks at our house. I jumped up and looked out the window, blurry eyed of course, to find nothing. I thought I must have dreamed it, but just as I thought to lay back down, there it was again but on another window. I rushed to another window joined by my eager labrador “Mack” (recall early possum story), who was equally disoriented. He was a little over zealous and ran under my feet as I passed the refrigerator causing me to smack my head on the corner.

We arrived at the back door just in time to see a cardinal flutter away. Annoyed but relieved, I decided to start the coffee and wake up to a few cartoons or the weather. Shortly after, my daughter Monique informs me that she had been terrorized for days now by numerous varieties of birds pecking on her window. The movie “The Birds” crossed my mind, but I dismissed it.

Less than 24 hours later, I am on my way to feed the other two labs and a mocking bird decides that I look like a cat and attempts to pull my hair out. Have you ever had one of these grey demons after you? They don’t quit! I barely made it back to the house with my eyes intact but at least I shook them off. Mack was back at the door watching me as if to say “Hey Bro, I coulda told you they were gonna get you.”

Next day, two little tweedy birds decide to make a nest in our garage and repaint my wife’s black truck with some very sleek racing stripes to go along with the cat paw print paint job. The truck was clean when I went to bed the night before.   When I saw the evidence, I began an investigation to find not one but two cute little feathered terrorist nests in my tool bag. When I picked it up I realized that these two miniature twins had taken some attack lessons from my friends the mocking birds. Yep, I ran away, almost screaming like a girl, but not quite.

Less than two hours later, I see a few sticks laying in the yard that had been blown out in the recent storm. I innocently walk out to pick them up to be greeted by at least a dozen crows that I had not detected on my approach to the sticks. Did you know that when a crow spooks they have a tendency to relieve themselves? I was in the middle of them and could not escape. You know the rest of the story.

I cried a little inside as I mumbled under my breath and trudged back to the house in what used to be my favorite Itawamba Community College shirt, hoping that Ms. Toni wouldn’t laugh me out of the house. Fortunately they missed my new ball cap but the shirt had four major “puddles” splattered all over the shoulder and sleeves.

I thought it was an anomaly centered around my house, but not a day or so later I was called back across the parking lot at work where Mr. Chambers and Mr. Palmer pointed out the art work on the right side of my previously clean car. It looked like someone had thrown paint on it.   I guess I should be thankful that the little vandals can’t spell. There is no telling what they would paint on me or my stuff. But at least their work confirms that we are seeing some real signs of spring. I just hope I make it through Memorial Day without having to buy a whole new wardrobe. I tell you, I am convinced that the “critters” are out to get me!

To make matters worse, I have a bunch of tree hugging, bird watching, critter loving, pet attorneys living in my house with me. I swear if I hear “Awe… They are just a bunch of sweeties,” or “They are just doing their sweet little thing,” one more time, I am gonna stick a spoon in my eye!

Have a great week and remember to honor God with your actions.

Ken Dulaney

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